Pistol Packin' Mama

Warren Buffett once said: "If you've been playing poker for half an hour and you still don't know who the patsy is, you're the patsy.". I walked right into this one, knowingly, but I still walked right into it. A little backdrop first. I've been using Google's Chrome as my browser ever since its introduction. When I fire up the software, I have elected to make AOL.com my splash page. This is because I've had AOL as my primary email provider for almost 25 years. Although I find the AOL portal useful, they tease you with a lot of click bait. Most notably photos of stars of yesteryear, what ever happened to them, what do they look like now. That sort of thing. This past week, I've been carpet-bombed with snapshots of Catherine Bell of JAG fame. Accompanying the pictures are captions insinuating after turning 50, she was either fat, a dog, or had a botched nip and tuck.

I should have used my bullshit detector. Instead, viewed the entire slideshow until I got to the 'Then' and 'Now' images of the actress. I used to watch JAG, so I had an interest in what happened to the cast as the years progressed. That said, just wanted to see what Bell looks like, not the show's minor characters. I have an infatuation for middle aged women, because let's face it, I'm 60. I can fantasize about every twentysomething in lululemon yoga tights, but that's all it is, a fantasy. In my mind, I'm 18. In my body, I'm old. A man must know his limitations. But Catherine Bell looked great. Unfortunately she's a Scientologist. Plus, she got divorced and now has a "partner" who is a party planner. You can figure that one out. Bummer. A total waste of 15 minutes of my life. The big nowhere.

Another fetching fiftysomething is Jennifer Lopez, aka, J.Lo. She's back in the news for two reasons. The first is being selected to headline the 2020 Super Bowl Halftime Show in Miami along with Shakira. That's a great move by the NFL brain trust. The ongoing themes here are: The browning of America, Miami morphing into The Latin American Capitol of the world, and the public's weariness of aging Rock & Roll bands. I'm a Baby Boomer, but our influence for dictating pop culture has expired (unless your talking about Viagra, Depends or Polident). Time to pass the baton. The two Latino superstars are the intermission entertainment for the biggest television event of the year, so you're appealing to a more broad based and younger demographic. I don't know if Jay-Z had any sway on this move with his new consulting position with the NFL, but it's a step in the right direction.

Secondly, J.Lo's name has been bandied about as a Best Actress candidate for her role in Hustlers. Like Saturday Night Fever, the production is an adaptation of a magazine article. A couple of critics described Hustlers as being like Goodfellas with G-strings, or Goodfellas with strippers. That's apropos, but the story is nowhere near the quality of Martin Scorsese's 1990 crime drama. Two films released this Fall are influenced by Scorsese - Hustlers and Joker. Scorsese has a three and a half hour opus opening in November, The Irishman. It's going to be in limited release, but it will also be available on Netflix. Don't want to be disappointed, but even John Ford got predictable. Let's hope it's a swan song. The Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer gives Hustlers 88% which is a high aggregate grade from the critics. The Audience Score is a mere 66%. I don't know about art but I know what I like. Stick with the audience on this one.

Despite great acting by J.Lo, the film left me flat. The only things that aren't flat in the story are the exotic dancers. To be fair, the first 30 minutes of the movie moved, but then it became dull and predictable. One thing that irked me throughout the production was the lack of Brooklyn, Queens and Bronx accents by the strippers. Granted, the movie takes place in Manhattan, but the girls were from the boroughs. The bridge and tunnel crowd if you will. Cardi B sounded authentic, but the role wasn't too far of a stretch for the Bronx rapper. She's a former stripper herself. The rest of the actresses sounded if they went to charm school.

Not to give too much away, but the entire plot revolves around strippers giving Mickey Finns to the sleazier side of Wall Street, then draining their corporate bank accounts. A payback for the all the worldwide financial damage they did during the Great Recession of 2008-2009. Over ten years later, it's still fresh in people's minds. I was expecting a more elaborate scheme from all the hype in the press. But back to J.Lo. She has the chops to pull off the role. The athletic prowess demonstrated during her dance routine, pole and all, couldn't be done by most women 30 years younger. She just looked great and oozed the same sex appeal from one of her earlier movies, Out Of Sight. It's too bad she didn't have a better script with Hustlers, but Out Of Sight is based on an Elmore Leonard novel. You don't get better writing than that. You don't get better acting than Jennifer Lopez in Hustlers.

Baby got back.